Voltron Group Chat
by YouMayKnowMeAsAngel
Summary: Allura has rebooted the old paladin group chat. She'll come to regret this decision.
1. Chapter 1

**[PALACE 1 opened PALADIN ALTEAN CHANNEL]**

 **[PALACE 1 activated PALACE 2]**

PALACE 2: Ah, Princess! I see you have managed to find the old paladin communication channel!

PALACE 1: Yes. It took some time, but the data logs are still backed up in some of the old systems. I thought it would be wise to start up the channel.

PALACE 2: A wonderful discovery and decision, indeed. However, may I express some minor concerns?

PALACE 1: Of course, Coran. Your assistance is always valued.

PALACE 2: Thank you, your highness. I'm only wondering whether we should brief the paladins on the proper usage of the communication channel.

PALACE 1: Whatever do you mean?

PALACE 2: I've heard rumors, Princess, of former paladins abusing this channel for strange purposes.

PALACE 1: Strange in what way?

PALACE 2: Oh, just jokes, amusement. Nothing harmful, but not strictly Voltron related.

PALACE 1: Coran, I am sure our paladins will recognize the significance and importance of such a communication channel. I have full faith in their abilities to use this for proper communication.

PALACE 2: Well, if you trust them, I cannot see any harm.

PALACE 1: Of course. I believe their communicators can be found somewhere in their dormitories. I'll activate them to seek out their location.

 **[PALACE 1 activated BLACK, BLUE, YELLOW, GREEN, RED]**

GREEN: what is this

PALACE 1: Pidge! Is that you? Do you have your communicator?

GREEN: you mean this triangle phone that fell from my ceiling and onto my face

PALACE 1: Yes, that would be your communicator.

GREEN: wait

GREEN: is this some sort of group chat?

GREEN: paladin altean channel?

PALACE 2: Yes! Ages ago, paladins would use this channel for emergency communication. Princess Allura has managed to find the old data logs in the computer systems.

GREEN: huh

PALACE 1: Wonderful, the computer is showing that all the communicators are accounted for.

RED: Why did a triangle fall on my face.

GREEN: hi keith

RED: How do you know my name? Who are you? What do you want?

GREEN: i'm zarkon

GREEN: i'm here for all your robot lions that form one giant lion man

RED: Voltron?

GREEN: no the other one

BLUE: yoooo group chat!

YELLOW: Hey everybody!

BLUE: the keypads on these things are super weird.

BLUE: i need more room for my delicate fingers.

GREEN: you mean your freakishly long fingers?

BLUE: you know what they say about ppl with long fingers…;)

GREEN: that their bodies are compensating for something?

BLUE: …

BLUE: rude.

YELLOW: lol

RED: I don't get it.

GREEN: i'll tell you when you're older

BLACK: This is labeled as a Voltron communication channel.

BLACK: I'm assuming this has something to do with the paladins?

RED: Who's Palace 1 and Palace 2? What is all of this about?

PALACE 1: This is Allura. PALACE 2 is Coran, and the colors are their respective paladins. This channel is for emergency communication between the palace and Voltron.

RED: Oh.

RED: Okay.

BLUE: you have such a way with words.

RED: Thank you.

BLUE: o h mygod

BLACK: Is this channel only for emergencies?

PALACE 1: Technically, yes. I think it would also be useful for general communication while on missions.

GREEN: didn't the garrison have a group chat?

YELLOW: Yeah, Lance got banned

RED: Why?

YELLOW: He sent a nude

BLUE: i did NOT

YELLOW: The whole garrison saw it

GREEN: oh yeah i remember that

RED: What's a nude?

GREEN: lance can show you

BLUE: ok FIRST of all

BLUE: it wasn't a nude, it was literally just a shirtless picture.

GREEN: a pretty spicy shirtless picture

YELLOW: Yeah

BLUE: and SECONDLY it was an accident, i meant to send it to a girl.

BLUE: and, like, two guys.

RED: Guys?

YELLOW: I think they saw it

BLUE: yes i know everybody saw it because i sent it in the group chat haha you're so funny

YELLOW: I try

RED: Wait, he wanted to send it to girls and guys?

YELLOW: Yup, he's not exactly subtle

BLUE: and THIRDLY

BLUE: keith how the fuck do you not know what a nude is?

RED: I left the garrison, remember?

GREEN: he was literally living under a rock

RED: No, I was living in a shed in the desert.

GREEN: dude

BLACK: Don't tease Keith about his life choices.

BLUE: we're not. that's what's so great.

BLUE: it just sounds like we are, because his life choices are so sad.

YELLOW: Says the guy who showed the entire garrison his nipples

BLUE: A PRIVILEGED SIGHT INDEED

YELLOW: Besides, Keith's shack was pretty cool

RED: Thank you, Hunk.

YELLOW: He had a lot of band posters, I saw one called moth man

RED: Wait.

RED: Yes.

RED: Band posters.

RED: Because Mothman is a band.

RED: And not a lifelong dream.

BLUE: lol what

 **[GREEN changed name to PIDGE]**

YELLOW: Woah! How did you do that?

Pidge: it's in the settings

Pidge: press the hexagon button

 **[YELLOW changed name to HUNK]**

 **[RED changed name to KEITH]**

 **[BLACK changed name to SHIRO]**

 **[BLUE changed name to Space Cowboy]**

HUNK: Lance

Space Cowboy: let a man dream.

SHIRO: Lance.

Space Cowboy: ugh fine

 **[Space Cowboy changed name to LANCE]**

LANCE: happy?

PIDGE: whipped

LANCE: shut up.

PALACE 2: Should we change our names as well?

SHIRO: It might be helpful.

 **[PALACE 2 changed name to CORAN]**

 **[PALACE 1 changed name to ALLURA]**

LANCE: yay! i like this, it's fun

ALLURA: This is not for fun, exactly. This channel is for the good of Voltron. It's incredibly secure, but nevertheless, anything you share here might be compromised.

SHIRO: The Princess makes a good point. No fooling around, you guys.

PIDGE: ugh

LANCE: laaaame

KEITH: What secret information would we be sharing on here, anyways?

KEITH: It's not like Zarkon is going to be interested in pictures of Lance's nipples.

LANCE: how do you know?

LANCE: my nipples are universal, baby.

KEITH: That doesn't make sense.

LANCE: you don't make sense

HUNK: Allura, what about bonding?

ALLURA: Bonding?

HUNK: Yeah, back on Earth, friends would have chat groups with each other

HUNK: To share moments and stuff

HUNK: It's sort of like team building

CORAN: How intriguing!

ALLURA: And you think that this communication channel could be used for such team bonding?

HUNK: Why not?

LANCE: yeah, we're all about bonding, right keith?

KEITH: Don't talk to me.

PIDGE: i think it's a good idea

PIDGE: sometimes it's easier to talk about stuff in a chat vs in person

SHIRO: That's a very good point.

CORAN: I'm always amazed by the extent to which humans will find ways to initiate social contact in otherwise unsocial settings! Keith is a perfect example of this.

KEITH: Uh, thanks?

CORAN: This could be a very interesting experience!

ALLURA: Well, I suppose I can't see any serious harm.

LANCE: WOOO! GROUP CHAT!

PIDGE: squad

HUNK: Squaaaaad

KEITH: What does that mean?

HUNK: Like a group of friends

KEITH: Oh.

KEITH: That's…sort of nice.

LANCE: aww guys keith is blushing

KEITH: I'm not!

LANCE: you totally are.

LANCE: you big softy you.

PIDGE: /whisper [LANCE]

PIDGE: careful lance, your crush is showing

LANCE: wtf pidge how did you do that

KEITH: Do what?

PIDGE: heheheh

LANCE: wait i got it

LANCE: /whisper [PIDGE]

KEITH: Whisper?

LANCE: i don't know what you're talking about

PIDGE: hmm

PIDGE: was it back in the garrison when you said

PIDGE: "that guy in the mullet can thread my needle any day"

KEITH: Is something happening?

HUNK: They're whispering to each other

KEITH: Oh.

KEITH: They can do that?

LANCE: you can't hold that against me, i was foolish and young

PIDGE: that was literally a year ago

HUNK: Yeah it's a whisper function, like "/whisper [insert name]"

ALLURA: Ooo I have never seen that function before!

LANCE: pidge you little shit you KNOW i can't be held accountable for my feelings

LANCE: wait that wasn't whispered

HUNK: Feelings?

SHIRO: Guys, we shouldn't be swearing on here.

LANCE: whaaaaat?

PIDGE: why not?

SHIRO: Well, for one thing, it's rude. Allura and Coran are present.

ALLURA: And you're assuming we're averse to swearing?

SHIRO: Oh. Are you?

ALLURA: I find I don't mind it. It can actually be quite amusing.

CORAN: As well as illuminating! Such colorful contexts and feelings behind phrases!

LANCE: yeah shiro, they don't mind

SHIRO: We are protectors of the galaxy. We are held to a certain degree of respect.

LANCE: the universe can respect bofa

HUNK: NO

SHIRO: Bofa?

KEITH: What.

HUNK: Lance I swear to god

ALLURA: What is a bofa?

HUNK: _Lance_

LANCE: …

LANCE: i can't

LANCE: it's too easy

HUNK: I hate you

PIDGE: lmao

SHIRO: All I'm asking is that this chat remains clean. No dirty jokes or phrases, no swearing.

KEITH: You have to know that isn't going to work.

LANCE: yeah, fuck the police

HUNK: COMING STRAIGHT FROM THE UNDERGROUND

PIDGE: hunk, have i ever told you that i love you?

HUNK: 3

SHIRO: Come on, I'm not trying to be the bad guy here.

KEITH: Quote of the day.

HUNK: Quote of the _century_

LANCE: let lance say fuck

PIDGE: #letlancesayfuck

SHIRO: You see, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

 **[SHIRO changed name to No Fun for No One]**

No Fun for No One: Okay, I didn't do that.

LANCE: looooooool

CORAN: I believe someone got into the systems.

KEITH: Pidge.

CORAN: How?!

PIDGE: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

PIDGE: i'm a girl of many skills

HUNK: Pidge voice: _I'm in_

KEITH: Haha

No Fun for No One: Alright, very funny.

LANCE: though somehow not as funny as keith typing "haha"

KEITH: Let me LIVE.

No Fun for No One: Please change it back.

HUNK: Fun's over.

ALLURA: I actually think it's rather funny!

LANCE: BURN

PIDGE: （゜◇゜）

LANCE: ROYAL BURN

KEITH: Nice.

No Fun for No One: …

ALLURA: Ooo Pidge how did you make those faces?

PIDGE: !

PIDGE: it's called an emoticon!

PIDGE: i can send you the little keyboard i'm making!

ALLURA: Oh, thank you!

LANCE: /whisper [PIDGE]

LANCE: careful pidge, your crush is showing

PIDGE: shut up shut up SHUT UP

HUNK: Man, I love emoticons

HUNK: So pure

HUNK: So innocent

ALLURA: 凸ಠ益ಠ)凸

HUNK: Oh My

LANCE: lmao allura goes OFF

KEITH: Is it

KEITH: Is it flipping me off?

ALLURA: Oops, my apologies, wrong one.

ALLURA: (´∀｀)

HUNK: Aww, cute!

ALLURA: I know!

KEITH: Pidge, could you send me that keyboard?

PIDGE: sure thing

No Fun for No One: Alright, you guys can swear and let off steam and do whatever you want, I'm sorry.

PIDGE: oh yeah, sorry shiro

No Fun for No One: It's fine, it's my fault, probably just my military training kicking in.

No Fun for No One: I don't want any of you to feel as though I'm limiting you.

LANCE: …

LANCE: sure

PIDGE: i'll fix it, one sec

 **[No Fun for No One changed name to SHIRO]**

SHIRO: Thank you, Pidge.

PIDGE: no problemo

KEITH: I found an emoticon thingie I like.

HUNK: Oooo let's see

KEITH: (◡‿◡✿)

KEITH: He's happy. At peace.

PIDGE: this is great

SHIRO: That's nice, Keith.

ALLURA: Yes! That's a very nice face!

CORAN: Oh, how amazing! Little faces made out of text!

PIDGE: coran would you like the keyboard?

CORAN: I think I would!

PIDGE: you know what, i'll just share it with the whole group

KEITH: Good idea.

ALLURA: This is splendid, I love all this bonding!

HUNK: /whisper [LANCE]

HUNK: Hey, you okay dude?

HUNK: You got pretty quiet there

LANCE: yeah i'm fine

LANCE: at least no different from usual

HUNK: Oh

HUNK: You know I'm always here for you, right?

LANCE: yeah

HUNK: If you want to talk about anything

LANCE: …

HUNK: Or not

HUNK: We could hang out in my room and play that altean chess game

HUNK: I'll let you cheat

LANCE: yeah

LANCE: that sounds good

HUNK: Good

LANCE: luv ya, bro

HUNK: luv ya too, bro

:

:

:

 **[KEITH opened PALADIN ALTEAN CHANNEL]**

KEITH: /whisper [HUNK]

KEITH: Hunk?

KEITH: Are you awake?

 **[HUNK opened PALADIN ALTEAN CHANNEL]**

HUNK: I am now

KEITH: Oh.

KEITH: Am I doing this whisper function correctly?

HUNK: Uh yeah

HUNK: Dude, it's the middle of the night

KEITH: Oh.

KEITH: I'm sorry, I'll let you sleep.

HUNK: No it's fine, do you need to talk?

KEITH: It's nothing, really.

KEITH: I was…wondering something about Lance.

KEITH: But it's fine, I'm just tired. Forget it.

HUNK: No no no! What is it?

HUNK: I'm fully awake now, dude, tell me what it is

KEITH: …Okay.

KEITH: Do you remember earlier when we were talking about Lance sending nudes to the garrison?

HUNK: Oh yeah

HUNK: Did we ever tell you what a nude was? Do you want to know?

KEITH: Uh.

KEITH: I'm pretty sure I figured it out.

HUNK: Oh

HUNK: lol

KEITH: I just wanted to know,

KEITH: Well.

KEITH: Lance sort of mentioned that he meant to send the nudes to a girl,

KEITH: And two guys.

HUNK: Oh. Yeah.

KEITH: Yeah.

HUNK: …

HUNK: OH

HUNK: OH YEAH

HUNK: Oh god I'm an idiot lol okay yeah

KEITH: Um?

HUNK: _Soooo_

HUNK: Keith.

HUNK: What do you want to know? :)))

KEITH: Did he, like,

KEITH: Did he mean to send it to those guys? As a joke?

HUNK: Nope, that was intentional

KEITH: So…

KEITH: Okay maybe I shouldn't be asking this, this is like, probably super personal.

HUNK: No, dude, it's fine

HUNK: Trust me, Lance would be 100% ok with this

HUNK: He gave me permission to talk about it with other people, like this

HUNK: He doesn't exactly hide it

KEITH: Oh.

KEITH: So he likes boys?

HUNK: And girls

HUNK: He's bi, and very proud of it :)

KEITH: I see.

HUNK: Does that

HUNK: Does that make you uncomfortable?

KEITH: What? No!

KEITH: No! Of course not!

KEITH: I'm totally okay with that!

KEITH: It's fine! It's totally fine! I mean, there's not even the option for it NOT to be fine! Why would it not be fine?!

HUNK: lol Calm down dude, I get it

KEITH: Okay.

KEITH: Cool.

KEITH: Yeah.

HUNK: Cooool

HUNK: Any reason why you wanted to know?

KEITH: Nope!

KEITH: Just curious.

KEITH: Trying to get to know my teammates better.

KEITH: And stuff.

HUNK: lmao Okay

HUNK: You know

HUNK: You could always talk to Lance about it

KEITH: Maybe.

KEITH: I'm tired.

HUNK: Yeah dude, get some rest

KEITH: You won't tell Lance about this, right?

HUNK: Don't worry bro, I gotchu

KEITH: Uh, thanks? I think?

KEITH: Goodnight.

HUNK: Goodnight!

LANCE: hunk why the fuck are you private chatting keith at 1:30 in the fucking morning?

SHIRO: Language.

LANCE: **mama la pinga**

HUNK: Don't worry about it, go back to sleep


	2. Chapter 2

**[PIDGE] opened [PALADIN ALTEAN CHANNEL]**

PIDGE: spotted— keith kogane, wearing nothing but boxers with the words "the truth is out there" on the elastic band

PIDGE: and little flying saucers

HUNK: Pics or it didn't happen

 **[KEITH] opened [PALADIN ALTEAN CHANNEL]**

KEITH: PIDGE NO

PIDGE: [attached img: ]

HUNK: Wow Wow Wow

KEITH: **_PIDGE_**

PIDGE: loooool

LANCE: why are you walking around the palace in your underwear?

KEITHL You do that all the time!

LANCE: i forget i'm not wearing clothes, what's your excuse?

PIDGE: what

HUNK: Can confirm

KEITH: I just woke up! I was going to head back to my room, so I just grabbed something to cover up!

HUNK: …

HUNK: Wait

HUNK: Keith, do you sleep naked?

KEITH: Yeah? I strip when I get hot?

PIDGE: nice

LANCE: what.

KEITH: I get hot easily, okay?! I only do it when I'm alone!

PIDGE: keith kogane, secret nudist

HUNK: Aren't nudists like, the opposite of secret?

PIDGE: idk i've never met one

PIDGE: until now that is

LANCE: what.

KEITH: I'm not a nudist!

PIDGE: sounds like something a nudist would say

HUNK: Uh, no it doesn't?

HUNK: Pretty sure nudists are upfront about their nudity?

LANCE: _what._

PIDGE: lance, you ok?

HUNK: He's with me in my room

HUNK: He's, idk, in shock?

HUNK: Wait he's rebooting

HUNK: Lance blowup in 3

HUNK: 2

LANCE: you sleep **NAKED?!**

HUNK: 1

HUNK: Damn, one second off

KEITH: Yes, I sleep naked. It's not a big deal.

LANCE: i just

LANCE: i just don't understand the mechanics

PIDGE: lol what

KEITH: It's pretty SELF EXPLANATORY.

LANCE: so you just have your bare ass touching your bedsheets?

HUNK: Lance

HUNK: Buddy

LANCE: what?! i'm curious!

PIDGE: /whisper [LANCE]

PIDGE: more like bicurious

LANCE: PIDGE THAT WAS AN EXQUISITE PUN BUT I AM NOT IN THE MOOD ATM

HUNK: Wait hold up

HUNK: Keith, didn't you live in the desert for a year?

KEITH: Yeah.

HUNK: But you get hot easily

KEITH: Yeah?

HUNK: …

HUNK: Wait

PIDGE: omg

HUNK: Waaaaiiiit

PIDGE: o m g

LANCE: what? what is it?

HUNK: Keith, were you naked a lot in the shack?

LANCE: WHAT

KEITH: Um.

PIDGE: !

PIDGE: (ʘ∇ʘ)

PIDGE: KEITH KOGANE, PUBLIC NUDIST

KEITH: I was alone! No one saw!

 **[PIDGE] changed group name from [PALADIN ALTEAN CHANNEL] to [KEITH KOGANE: CONFIRMED NUDIST]**

HUNK: BHAHAHAHAHA

KEITH: For fuck's sake NO ONE SAW ME!

KEITH: It was really hot! I had no air conditioning!

LANCE: i

LANCE: what do i do with this information

PIDGE: what do you NOT do with this information?

PIDGE: i'm gonna cry this is the best

KEITH: Oh, come on!

KEITH: I sleep fully clothed most of the time!

HUNK: Wait

HUNK: Like, with shoes and everything?

KEITH: Yes!

LANCE: …

HUNK: …

PIDGE: …

LANCE: bruh

HUNK: That's worse than sleeping naked

KEITH: How is that worse than sleeping naked?

LANCE: idk it's just weird

PIDGE: yikes

KEITH: I don't understand any of you!

 **[SHIRO] opened [KEITH KOGANE: CONFIRMED NUDIST]**

SHIRO: …

 **[SHIRO] closed [KEITH KOGANE: CONFIRMED NUDIST]**

KEITH: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

PIDGE: best. day. _ever._

HUNK: You guys ever think that Shiro needs a break?

LANCE: yes.

PIDGE: yes

KEITH: I could use a fucking break right now.

HUNK: Why don't you take a nap

PIDGE: yeah, get all nakey

LANCE: lol nakey

KEITH: I hate all of you.

PIDGE: keith kogane— emo on the streets, naked in the sheets

HUNK: Keith Kogane— "punk rock will never die" on the streets, naked in the sheets

LANCE: keith kogane— "impregnate me pete wentz" on the streets, naked in the sheets

PIDGE: this chat produces some quality content (￣ー￣)ｂ

 **[LANCE] changed group name from [KEITH KOGANE: CONFIRMED NUDIST] to [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

HUNK: Nice

PIDGE: nice

LANCE: nice.

 **[KEITH] went idle**

PIDGE: rip in pieces keith

 **[ALLURA] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

LANCE: hellooooo princess!

ALLURA: Moments ago, Keith threw his mug into a wall, and stormed out of the kitchen. Is something wrong?

HUNK: Scroll up

ALLURA: Oh my.

PIDGE: i would feel bad if he hadn't eaten my leftovers

 **[KEITH] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

KEITH: Pidge, I said I was sorry.

PIDGE: apologies mean nothing, mullet man

PIDGE: hunk made banana cake that night

HUNK: Aww, glad you liked it!

PIDGE: truly tho, compliments to the chef

LANCE: hunk, you have beautiful eyes.

HUNK: Thanks boo

LANCE: 3

ALLURA: Can everyone come to the kitchen? I have an announcement to make.

HUNK: Is it about Lance using up all my honey for his face masks?

LANCE: beauty = sacrifice

HUNK: *your beauty = my sacrifice

LANCE: yup

KEITH: You use honey in your face masks?

PIDGE: no, wrong question

PIDGE: what you should be asking is how hunk gets honey in _space_

HUNK: I can't reveal all my secrets (⌐▨_▨)

LANCE: he collects honey when we visit planets with bee-like creatures.

HUNK: Thanks, snitch

LANCE: 3

ALLURA: Is honey good for your skin?

LANCE: yup! it's a natural antibacterial, so it helps with acne treatment!

ALLURA: What is acne?

PIDGE: lol quote of the CENTURY

LANCE: shit i keep forgetting allura is literally flawless

HUNK: Queen

ALLURA: No, I am a princess!（＾ｖ＾）

LANCE: /whisper [PIDGE]

LANCE: i can feel you blushing.

PIDGE: shut your dirt

HUNK: Acne is something earthlings get, little gross bumps and blemishes on their face

ALLURA: Oh, I see. Is that why Lance takes special care of his face?

LANCE: yeah, i'm big on face treatments. it's my Thing.

 **[SHIRO] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

SHIRO: Are you done talking about nudity?

KEITH: Yes.

PIDGE: for now

SHIRO: Pidge.

PIDGE: bite me

ALLURA: Do the rest of you participate in facial treatment? Washing your face?

HUNK: Yup! I always wash my face, but I don't do a lot of Lance's fancy stuff

SHIRO: I wash my face every night and morning. It's relaxing to have a routine.

PIDGE: yeah i wash my face

PIDGE: it's a chore, but i do it

KEITH: I don't.

LANCE: what.

HUNK: What

SHIRO: Huh?

PIDGE: i got burn medication on standby

KEITH: What?

LANCE: do you seriously not wash your face?

KEITH: I mean,

KEITH: Sometimes I splash water on my face? Does that count?

LANCE: inhales

LANCE: _BOY_

SHIRO: Do you at least shower?

KEITH: Of course I shower!

PIDGE: but you don't wash your face

HUNK: His skin is so nice tho

ALLURA: That is true, Keith's skin is very clear.

SHIRO: He also doesn't shave.

KEITH: _Shiro._

LANCE: lol

HUNK: Lance, you also don't shave

LANCE: I COULD IF I WANTED TO

PIDGE: what would you shave though

LANCE: _LOTS OF THINGS_

HUNK: He's a bit of a late bloomer

PIDGE: lol

LANCE: you know what let's get back to roasting keith.

KEITH: Let's not.

LANCE: you've got to be doing something to your face!

LANCE: like, your skin is so clear and smooth and soft

PIDGE: /whisper [LANCE]

PIDGE: Clear and Smooth and Soft

LANCE: pidge, feel free to fuck off.

PIDGE: ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ

LANCE: come on keith, you gotta be doing something.

KEITH: I'm really not.

LANCE: tell me your _secrets._

KEITH: I don't have any!

PIDGE: debatable

KEITH: I just don't know, alright? My skin has always been like this!

LANCE: щ(゜ロ゜щ)

LANCE: y u no tell me ur skincare routine

HUNK: Lance

LANCE: sorry.

KEITH: Look, it's not that I don't care about my skin, it's just that I've never needed to. I've never had acne or anything, okay?

PIDGE: wow

PIDGE: that's…suspicious

LANCE: ok, skincare is not just about acne.

LANCE: it's about feeling good! relaxing! putting your best foot forward and COVERING YOUR FACE WITH GOOP THAT SMEELS GOOD.

SHIRO: Is he alright?

HUNK: Yeah, just let him finish

LANCE: no more will we suffer the feeling of waking up with a bad taste in our mouths and grease on our faces.

LANCE: no more will we have to buy overpriced products that do little for our skin, when we can make our own products with healthy ingredients.

LANCE: NO MORE will we sacrifice beauty and self indulgence for sleep, when we can have ALL THREE!

SHIRO: Is it weird that I'm sort of getting into this?

ALLURA: Me as well! I'm enjoying this.

HUNK: Don't fight it, it's a beautiful thing

LANCE: skincare treatment is not only a relaxing hobby, but it's something that everyone can participate in, no matter who or what they are.

LANCE: it's beautiful. i think that

LANCE: i just

LANCE: it means so much

LANCE: hoo boy

KEITH: Is he alright?

HUNK: Um

HUNK: He's a bit teary eyed at the moment

LANCE: i got a bit emotional there

LANCE: sorry

ALLURA: No! This deserves our consideration.

SHIRO: That was a very nice speech.

PIDGE: ^^ yeah

 **[CORAN] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

CORAN: Princess, were we not about to have a meeting in the kitchen?

LANCE: oh yeah that was a thing.

HUNK: Oops

CORAN: I have the details of the new bonding exercise all written up and ready for the briefing!

ALLURA: Actually Coran, I believe Lance has presented us with a new bonding exercise.

LANCE: wait.

LANCE: seriously?

ALLURA: I am serious. (✿◠‿◠)

LANCE: WHOOOOOO

LANCE: SPA DAY!

CORAN: Oh.

CORAN: I suppose I'll just…store all these papers and charts. For another time. Yes.

LANCE: SPA DAY SPA DAY SPA DAY SPA DAY

KEITH: Spa day?

LANCE: uh i mean

LANCE: if you guys are up for it?

LANCE: cuz like

LANCE: it's cool if you're not.

HUNK: Dude

HUNK: I'm so down

PIDGE: count me in!

ALLURA: I am looking forward to this!

SHIRO: Sounds like fun.

CORAN: I suppose I'll give it the ol' Altean try! ٩(^෴^)۶

PIDGE: he found the mustache emoticons

HUNK: Blessed image

LANCE: keith, you cool with this?

LANCE: don't want to force you to do something with me that you wouldn't want to do haha

LANCE: ha

KEITH: Um.

KEITH: Yeah, sure, why not?

KEITH: It makes your skin look good, might as well give it a shot.

HUNK: Yeah, Keith likes Lance's skin

PIDGE: nice

LANCE: wait, for real?

KEITH: …

KEITH: Yes.

KEITH: I mean.

KEITH: I can see how the face masks can make a person's skin look really nice, and you use the face masks, so from a purely objective perspective, your skin looks,

KEITH: Really nice.

KEITH: Yes.

LANCE: oh.

LANCE: cool.

LANCE: thanks bro.

KEITH: No problem.

KEITH: Bro.

PIDGE: when future historians ask about the cause of my death

PIDGE: please direct them to the above conversation

HUNK: omg Same

SHIRO: Alright guys, lets head to the kitchen and get this bonding started.

ALLURA: Ooh, Shiro, can I make your mask? I believe I know which ingredients would suit your skin the best!

SHIRO: Oh.

SHIRO: Yes!

SHIRO: That would be nice!

SHIRO: OF YOU.

SHIRO: THAT WOULD BE NICE _OF YOU._

SHIRO: Is what I meant to say.

LANCE: what.

ALLURA: Hmm, alright then!

HUNK: LET'S GET THIS SPA DAY STARTED!

ALLURA: Yes!

:

:

:

:

PIDGE: /whisper [SHIRO]

PIDGE: if you think

PIDGE: for one moment

PIDGE: that i am not making allura a mud mask

PIDGE: you would be horribly mistaken

SHIRO: I see.

PIDGE: because i am going to make her one

SHIRO: I have no problem with that.

SHIRO: Wait, why would I have a problem with that?

PIDGE: you won't

PIDGE: because i am going to do it

PIDGE: whether you like it or not

SHIRO: …

SHIRO: Okay?

PIDGE: yes

KEITH: Why are you two texting? We are all literally standing in the kitchen together.

PIDGE: oh i'm just reminding shiro of something (◡‿◡✿)

KEITH: Ok.

KEITH: Any reason why you're playing with that knife?

PIDGE: yes (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

SHIRO: Pidge, your message has been read loud and clear.

PIDGE: oh ok cool

PIDGE: shiro do you want some of these avocado chunks?

SHIRO: Yeah, thanks.

PIDGE: no problem 3

KEITH: …

KEITH: Why do I feel like I've missed something.

LANCE: dude stop texting and start detoxing, these cucumbers aren't gonna chop themselves.

:

:

:

 **[HUNK] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

 **[PIDGE] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

HUNK: Hey Keith

HUNK: What are you wearing

HUNK: Asking for a friend

PIDGE: i'm the friend

 **[KEITH] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

KEITH: What?!

KEITH: It's 3:30 in the morning!

HUNK: Yeah, so what are you wearing?

KEITH: Why do you want to know?

PIDGE: oh, i don't know

PIDGE: the castle just feels pretty warm tonight

PIDGE: makes one think

KEITH: Holy fucking shit.

 **[LANCE] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

LANCE: keith, they want to know whether or not you're naked, please answer so i can get some fucking sleep.

HUNK: Wow, you managed to type the words "keith" and "naked" without self combusting

LANCE: it's 3:30 in the morning **_do you really think i give a shit_**

HUNK: Ok gotcha

PIDGE: keith, fess up

KEITH: If you MUST know,

KEITH: I'm wearing a t-shirt and boxer shorts.

KEITH: Happy?

LANCE: no. i'm fucking tired.

HUNK: Aww, bit anti-climactic

PIDGE: i'll believe it when i see it

KEITH: What do you meanawlejflhgwfhjWEHJKHFDSKPIDGEWHATTHEFUCKLSHLWHF,HSFLH

HUNK: Um

 **[SHIRO] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

SHIRO: I just heard someone scream, what's wrong?

LANCE: oh for fuck's sake.

HUNK: I don't know?

PIDGE: nothing's wrong

PIDGE: keith's just a sellout

KEITH: OH MY GOD.

KEITH: PIDGE JUST ATTACKED ME IN MY ROOM

PIDGE: relax, all i did was pull back the covers and take a picture

KEITH: AND NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK IN THE PROCESS

PIDGE: yeah but did you die

HUNK: Wait you got a pic?

PIDGE: yup, nothing special though

SHIRO: What?

HUNK: Seeeeend iiiiitttt

PIDGE: [attached img: ]

KEITH: I can't believe this is my life. THIS IS MY LIFE.

HUNK: Huh, he was telling the truth

KEITH: Why would I lie?

PIDGE: to protect your modesty

SHIRO: I'm going back to sleep.

 **[SHIRO] wend idle**

PIDGE: poor shiro

KEITH: Poor _Shiro?_

HUNK: Look, Keith's wearing Lance's special face mask

HUNK: How sweet

HUNK: Lance, do you see this?

LANCE: i'm going back to sleep before i kill all of you

 **[LANCE] went idle**

PIDGE: yikes

╭(°ㅂ°)╮╰(°ㅂ°)╯╭(°ㅂ°)╮╰(°ㅂ°)╯


End file.
